stumbled upon

Stumbled upon this today. Resonated. So here it is for you to stumble upon.

The best day of your life is the one in which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

 

- Bob Moawad

still here

Oh my, it's been a long time since I wrote a post here.  I've been focused on other things, it seems.

Our wedding is just 5 months away and I know it will be here in a blink of an eye. The dress is ordered, paper lanterns too, and the search is on for a great pair of deep blue shoes (my something blue!), picked my maid of honor, asked my childhood girlfriends to participate in our ceremony, asked one of them to officiate our wedding, and slowly handling each detail as it comes up, day by day, and realizing that things unfold in perfect rhythm and it's ok to relax and lean into it a bit.

In other life news, all is well. Still learning ever so slowly to let go and appreciate what is happening now and not what I want to be happening sooner! Also noticing, with a bit of sadness and embarrassment, that I'm not being as kind as I can be.  In little ways and sometimes in big, my kindness gauge is on the low side. I definitely see a correlation between stress level, wanting things to be different, trying to hurry things along and my level of kindness.  If I can just give in to life a little and let things be and be nice about it, I'm better off and so is everyone else around me.  I mean, no one really wants to be around a bossy, control freak who's not very nice. Although my dogs don't seem to mind, bless their paws.

So, that's what's new. Summer wedding and I turn 40 this May! I almost forgot that small detail. I'm a little sad to be saying good bye to my 30s -- and not really sure I'm ready for 40 -- that seems so much older than I feel. But excited to get married and to see what the next decade brings.

Side note: when I was in my late 20s and early thirties, I used to joke that I knew one day I'd find the right guy for me and get married, but that it would probably be when I was 40!  I said it half in jest -- picking 40 because it felt so far away. 

Well, hello 40!

Hope you are all well and making all sorts of brave and wild wishes for the new year! xo

life lessons

If I slow down a bit, I can see what life is showing me.

free to be you and me

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.

 

- Fritz Perls

make this world a better place

In the face of complaints, look that person in the eye and imagine what it might have been like to be raised to see only what is wrong.

In the face of selfishness, wonder what it might be like to walk the world with a feeling of lack, of depletion.

In the face of insults, consider where this person first learned that it’s okay to abuse others.

In the face of disconnection, think about what causes it, and ask if your response will widen the river between the two of you.

In the face of laziness, recognize the fear of living big dreams.

In the face of extremism or fundamentalism, see the clinging, as well as the terror-filled silence that would arise for that person if they risked letting go.

In the face of controlling behavior, understand the chaos that must have bred it.

In the face of “always needing to be right,” see how often this person was once made wrong.

In the face of arrogance or bravado, hold gently that still, small piece that says “I’m not enough.”

In the face of drama or attention-seeking, see the person who wishes so much to be seen.

In the face of accusation, imagine what it might be like to live life with suspicion.

In the face of judgement or comparisons, step into the opportunity the world has just provided you for practicing love and acceptance.

In the face of passive-aggressiveness, recognize the child that wasn’t taught a safe way to express their truth.

In the face of anger, see the pain of isolation from others.

Most importantly: In the face of ferocious hatred, believe in the possibility that there exists the potential for equally as big, intense, lovely and fiery ferocious love.

 

- lovingly borrowed from this website

moonlight serenade

I have a commitment at work that requires me to stay at the office late tonight, so I took the opportunity to have a relaxing morning at the coffee shop.  I used to do this often when I first moved to Juneau. It brings back warm fuzzy memories of taking a leap of faith to come live with the man I am soon to marry. :)

In addition to a nice memory, this morning is particularly lovely. The sun is shining. The sky is blue with a smattering of clouds. And the air is crisp and cold. There is frost on all the cars and across the way in the harbor, the boats glisten under the cold and sun and everything looks like pure Alaska -- you have to see it to know what I mean.

I love days like these. When I notice the small details. When I savor them. When I feel grateful. When I fall in love with my life all over again and with everything that's in it.

Last night, Mountain Man, our housemate and I went out on housemate's boat to hunt for northern lights. They alluded us, but the moon was strong and bright, the stars were out and it felt magical just to be out on the water, in the dark of night, with the lapping waves and in the company of good people (and good music).

The combination of moonlight and salt water felt healing.

you must remember this ...

“It's natural to want someone you love to do what you want, or what you think would be good for them, but you have to let everything happen to them. You can't interfere with people you love any more than you're supposed to interfere with people you don't even know. And that's hard, ..., because you often feel like interfering -you want to be the one who makes the plans.” ~John Irving

breathing easier

love this :)

feeling much lighter and happier today ...

ending the war

I hate how I feel when I obsess about a situation I can't change. I like myself better when I live from a place of compassion and acceptance. I've been angry more often than I care to admit. I am angry because I want things to be different than how they are.

Petty anger looks bad on me.

In the last year, I became hyper-focused on a situation that I wanted to change.  It started to occupy the majority of my thoughts. I'd have imaginary conversations about it in my head. Over and over. And each time I'd end up angry and frustrated and alone in my car.

The negative energy I've been building around this thing has affected every aspect of my life.

Last night, in a moment of emotional exhaustion, I gave up the fight. I finally got that it's just not worth it. If things were meant to be different, they would be. And they're not.

Being angry about it hurts me the most.  No one else really cares about it quite as much as I do. I've been fighting a losing battle, both in the outcome and in my happiness. 

So I'm done fighting that battle.

I've accepted that things are what they are and will continue to be until they are not ... and all the anger, struggling and wishing in the world won't change it. In fact, it only makes it harder.

Much harder.

Everything in my life, and I mean everything, is as it is because there is something I need to learn from it or because I created it karmically or spiritually in some way. 

Nothing can change when I am fighting "what is" every step of the way.

Truth is, I've got bigger fish to fry.

I've got my health and my weight that could use my love and attention. I've got a fiance who is probably wondering where his loving partner has disappeared to. I've got two dogs that I love and who bring joy to my life who could use my attention and affection.

I'm tired. And I don't want to fight anymore.

In addition to all of that, I've been so focused on getting what I want, that I've started to feel like a bad person. I guess you might say I lost this battle, having given up on what I wanted, but a war needs two opposing forces to survive. And I'm done fighting.  I'd rather be at peace and accept what is than get what I want at too high a price (emotionally and karmically).

So call it surrender. Call it resignation. Call it giving up or giving in. I don't care what it is.  I just know it feels so much better than war.

soft spot

"If we want there to be peace in the world, we have to be brave enough to soften what is rigid in our hearts, to find the soft spot and stay with it. We have to have that kind of courage and take that kind of responsibility. That's the true practice of peace."—Pema Chödrön,

I have so much I want to say about this quote and how it relates to my life right now. But there are too many words and not enough clarity. So, I'll say nothing and let the quote speak for itself.

denali adventures

Just getting back from vacation.  Mountain Man and I hiked in Denali National Park for a week.  We saw many beautiful things and abundant wildlife.  It was a wonderful trip all around ...

Here I am atop Stony Hill Mountain (elevation 4,508).

That's Mt McKinley in the background.

And that's a beautiful engagement ring on my hand!! :)

 

 

The ever handsome mountain man

on top of the world after I said "yes" ...

 

 

 

Sunshine and a little bubbly.

We're soaking it all in ...
 





 

Hope you are all having a wonderful summer.  Cheers!
 

half marathon update

I ran my first half marathon this past Saturday and finished 31 minutes earlier than my goal time. My body feels good. My quads are sore from sprinting to the finish, but all else feels strong and healthy. I'm taking this week off from running and getting ready for a week of hiking in Denali National Park with Mountain Man and lots of wildlife.

Happy Trails!

my ten commandments

1. let it be easy.

2. be kinder than necessary.

3. don't gossip. it looks bad on you.

4. keep critical observations to yourself. see number 2.

5. contribute something positive.  the world's pretty well stocked up on "negative" and doesn't need more.

6. move your body and break a sweat. it puts things into perspective.

7. take a few minutes a day to do nothing but breath deep and notice the world around you - without distractions.

8. tell people you love them. often.

9. find humor in unexpected places.

10. be kinder than necessary. that one bears repeating.

 

summer lovin' had me a blast

Well, that was quick.  After nearly two months of rain and nary a sign of summer, she arrived like the goddess that she is just in time for solstice weekend.  And then just like that ... she was gone.

from top to bottom: view from our beach; view from our bedroom; our backyard as we prepared for our annual solstice party repleat with live music, skinny dipping shenanigans (brr) and tasty treats!

In running news, I got up to 9 miles in my training runs before I made the idiotic mistake of wearing new inserts in my sneakers before a long run. I've had to take a week off to heal from the damage I did, but after a PT appointment and a chiro appoitnment, I am ready to continue my training this week.  I'll be the girl doing resistance band exercises every day at work during lunch and foam rolling my IT band into a pliable happy place.

common things

The simplest truths are often the hardest ...

everything is illuminated

My beautiful friend Christina hosted a Hope Lantern Festival this past weekend on Sandy Beach in Douglas, just across the channel from Juneau.  It was a magical night.  The last two photos were taken by another lantern launcher named Kally Flynn.  Aren't they beautiful?

I set my lantern adrift into the night sky and made my wish ... well, wishes. :)

I wished to be happy, the same wish I've made since I was 5.

I wished to be kind and for kindness.

I wished to open my heart and love with all of it, even when I don't feel love in return.

I wished to once again feel the magic that has inspired me and nourished me and made me feel alive.

I wished for everyone who was there with me on that beach to be happy too.

And I wished for each of their wishes to come true.

day in the life

never too old

source

making progress and making peace

I ran 16 miles last week. Four on Tuesday, four on Thursday and an eight miler on Sunday. I feel good. I'm happy that I am making progress and getting stronger. This is the most I've ever run and I'm enjoying it.

I'm proud of the progress I'm making with running. And even though you can't tell by looking at me, I am getting stronger and fitter and holy hamsters, I'm a runner, running further than I have ever run before and that counts for something. So rock on for me!

Here's the sweet puppy after our eight mile run this weekend. She's a bit tired :) So was her momma.

everything will be ok

A part of my world is unraveling. The speed at which it is unraveling is terrifying me.  It's a part of my life that felt stable and whole.  A part that I trusted to remain a part of my world for always.

I am helpless to stop the unraveling.  It is not my doing. It is not within my power to stop.  I can only stand by and watch with this crushing weight on my heart and an anger that is building at my inability to do anything about it.

How is it that we can care so deeply about something, be willing to commit our whole selves to it and then be helpless in the face of its unraveling.  It seems so incredibly unfair and insane to me.

A part of me is trying to stay present.  Dealing only with what is happening right now. But another part of me is frantically trying to figure out the next steps.  I feel like I need to be prepared for when the rug is pulled out from under me.

But there are some things you can't prepare for.  So all I can really do is remember that I am loved. I am safe. Everything will be ok, even if this part of my world completely unravels and the ground gives out beneath me. I am ok. It will all be ok. Everyone will be ok.

Everything will be ok.

in pictures

I went for a hike out to dupont beach last night with two of my lovely girlfriends, one of whom was celebrating an impending birthday. We brought wine, grapes, crackers, cheese and salame and CUPCAKES! to enjoy on the secluded beach. It was a two mile hike out to the beach through lush green trees and waterfalls.  sweet dashwa was in her glory.

on the hike out

at the beach

We had a great night and since the sun stays up so late these days, we were able to hike back to our cars at 10 pm and still be hiking in daylight.  One of the many joys of living in alaska.

And apropos of nothing, is this not the most beautiful kitchen you've ever seen? I think this would be perfect for southeast alaska living with our lush green forests and rain fall.  Just looking at this kitchen brings a deep sense of calm to my heart.  So beautiful ...

simple choice

"You can turn it all around in a split second by making a simple choice to try again, to play again, to love again, to live again, to dream again." ~ Chris Assaad

This quote gives me hope and breaks my heart in equal measure.

The clouds will lift.

good relationships

letting it be simple

We didn't end up running the race this morning. Too many hills and running on sand for me. Since I'm training for a half marathon, I don't want to risk injuring myself, especially since I haven't been training for hills.

I am at a coffee shop right now. I took our puppy for a walk and watched her as she bounded in and out of long grass and ran like the wind. She seemed so happy!  It was very cute.

I had a tasty breakfast and some much needed coffee and in a few I'll take the little snow white for another walk and maybe hit up a movie or something depending on the weather.

Right now I'm thinking about how life can get complicated and difficult and how things that you want to be simple sometimes aren't.  But then there is a part of me that thinks that maybe it really is so much simpler than we make it.  If we could take our ego and defense mechanisms out of the equation, if we could truly be present and hear what is being said and understand what is needed in each moment and show up fully awake and deal with what is before us without all our stories, defenses, fear and reactions that complicate life, I think it would be simpler. And better.

I think at the root of our lives, our desires are actually quite simple:

We want to feel loved. We want to feel useful. And we want to feel like our lives matter, and that we do too.

If we could work on quieting the stories we make up in our heads when we feel scared or defensive and move through each moment with a tenderness, honesty and curiosity, I think life would be so much easier.

And I think we'd be happier.

But it takes courage to listen, truly listen, without defending or blaming. To just listen with a curious and loving heart.  I suppose if it were easy we'd all be mother teresa, wouldn't we? What a world we'd live in if we could all love as fearlessly and selflessly as she did.

I'm curious, what stories are you telling today that are making your life complicated, when it could be simple?

emerson friday

flaky gps and maze race

On my run today, my gps flaked out on me ... I was apparently running through a dense mountain range or something that wouldn't allow satellite signals to penetrate my little garmin friend.  So I tried to gauge how far I'd been running based on time, but lo and behold, that feature didn't work quite right either -- so what I thought was a three mile run was more like 4.25. I was wondering why it seemed longer.  Oh well, at least I did more and not less. :)

Date night tonight.  This might be the first one since we got the puppy. Is that possible?! I think we're due -- and I'm excited to have a tasty dinner and play some pool with mountain man. I think we'll take the dogs for a quick walk first -- thought Ceili got 4 miles of running in and some enthusiastic romp time with her litter mate, so I think she's good on the exercise front.  Or not ... because really, who am I kidding?  Our little energizer husky just keeps going and going and going ...

In other news, mountain man and I plan to run a maze style 5k race this weekend for a good cause.  I have absolutely no idea what to expect with a maze style race ... but running it is one way to find out.

Wish us luck!

running down a dream

source

The last few nights, I've been having running dreams where I am running like the wind.  In my dream last night, I was running a long distance race with dozens of other runners.  The race was mostly trails and I was a running machine. I was passing people, strong on my feet and happy. 

In another dream I was running free, my long hair blowing in the wind, fast and light on my feet
and running like a wild woman.  Doesn't that sound like pure bliss?

Dreams rock. Running's not so bad, either.

growing seeds and pups

We finished our garden this weekend!  Four 4x4 raised square foot gardens. And a bonus one in the middle for flowers. Seeds have been planted.  We're growing lettuce, swiss chard, carrots, radishes, onions, squash, cucumbers, zucchini, peas and parsnip.  Grow, baby, grow!

The tulips we planted last fall are blooming throughout the yard. So pretty.  Mountain Man built this rock wall last summer as well as the stage/patio area. He's a crafty one, that Mt Man.

Speaking of things that grow, take a look at this little fluff ball at 2 months old ...

 And a little less fluffy at 3 months old ...

And almost looking like a grown up at 4.5 months old ...

Her fur is still super soft, her eyes are still green and she is growing into a great girl. I love her to pieces!

In running news, the pup and I ran a 10k this weekend.  And I didn't walk any of it. Yay me!  Both Ceili and I were pretty tired the next day from the effort. It's so nice to run with her ... she's a great running partner and helps the miles go by quicker.

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend.  Enjoy the last few days of May ...

askew

Things that knock my inner zen off kilter and suck my joy:

- facebook
- over-thinking
- comparing
- criticizing
- judging
- checking my cell phone
- sugar
- too much alcohol
- lack of physical activity
- being bored
- falling into a rut
- not staying present / auto pilot
- lack of physical intimacy
- holding onto negative crap
- being mean - which is a result of all of the above

Things that keep my inner zen happy and balanced and up my joy:

- nature
- laughing
- staying present
- being kind and kindness in general
- giving more than I take
- reading a good book
- snuggling with animals - especially our two huskies
- being in a good place with mountain man - which conveniently is a by product of the things on this list.
- watching nature programs (planet earth, frozen planet, etc)
- chilkat sunsets
- appreciating
- slowing down (mentally)
- being active (physically)
- letting things be
- accepting
- breathing deep and slow
- loving

Why don't we learn this stuff as kids? It would make things so much easier.

It's much too easy to fall into a pattern in life and slip into auto pilot where nothing feels new, inspiring, magical or meaningful. You know what that's called? LAZY. And sometimes lazy feels so good and easy and seductive, otherwise why would we bother?  But it also feels like shit. 

Here's my oversimplified math on the topic:

Autopilot leads to rut leads to bored leads to lazy leads to unhappy which leads to boo :( ... or said more simply:

Autopilot = :(

Staying present leads to wonder leads to inspired leads to kind leads to loving leads to happy which leads to yay! So ...

Staying present = :)

Perhaps it really is that simple after all.

.

today

You know those days where you nit pick about everything and staying positive feels like a herculean effort and you just want to be happy without trying to be happy and everything feels like work and you wonder why the magic in the universe seems to be on hiatus and nothing seems to make you smile?

Me neither. ;)

Yeah, ok, I'm having one of those days.  It feels so much nicer when I am all in love with the universe and one of those annoying people who believes in magic and feels optimistic and new agey and says things like "everything happens for a reason" and "all is as it should be". 

The annoying part is that it's always up to me to get back there. Which is frustrating and did I mention annoying? It's always my responsibility. Want to feel better, missy? Then think better thoughts. Want to laugh and smile?  Think happy thoughts.

But sometimes it's such a pain in the ass to be responsible for my own happiness.

Sometimes I want the Universe to step in, like a loving parent who senses that her child is tired and in need of some encouragement. 

So, that's how I feel today, like I want the Universe to reach out and take my hand and say "I'll take over for a bit".

You know what helps on days like today?

puppies!

You know what else helps? A walk outside in a big open field with a puppy and lots of fresh air. That helps too! 

so true.

this is a hard one for me ...

rain drenched light

I love the after-effects of rain on a dark sky day. The way the colors come alive. Everything seems saturated with vibrant color -- the flowers, soil, leaves, pavement all painted in sharp, rich hues. It's heart-achingly beautiful. One of my favorite things to witness.

source

reminder to self: let it be easy, love.

becoming an outdoors woman

I just got back from a weekend out the road at Echo Cove and Berners bay.

the trail from Echo Cove to Berners Bay ...

It was a great weekend. It felt good to be away from my everyday life and be out in nature, out of my element and immersed in learning fun and exciting things. I met up with 74 other women and buddied up with two that I'd met before and hiked along the water's edge from Echo Cove to Berner's Bay to participate in the Becoming an Outdoors Woman weekend. 

                 Cowee Creek and Berner's Bay

I took four classes: deer field dressing, fly fishing, dutch oven cooking and spin cast fishing. I loved every minute of it, especially the field dressing!  It felt great to be away from cell service and regular life for three days -- immersed in nature, alaskan wilderness and learning.

The food was pretty amazing as well.

It made me want to do more of these retreats. I'd love to do a full week.

Some other courses I'd eventually love to take are boat safety/use, wilderness first aid, organic gardening, homesteading, mushing and wilderness survival specific to southeast alaska.

I did some research and found some homesteading schools that run courses ranging from one day to one year. If I can find one in Alaska, I will seriously consider signing up.

It felt good to challenge myself and to feel competent and a little more wild and experienced in the great white north. There is a feeling of self-reliance that comes with this kind of learning that satisfies my soul.

It's good stuff.


(last three photos top to bottom: view from trail to Berner's Bay, a wolverine, and another shot of Echo Cove. Source.)

good stuff

You know what doesn't suck ...?

Living in Alaska and getting to see whales, snow capped mountains, bears, bald eagles and glaciers on a regular basis.








Sharing my life and home with a man I've known since jr high school who I think is all that and a bag of chips.







Having two beautiful, wonderful huskies who bring a crap ton of joy into our lives.






Having a great job that pays me well and getting to spend the day with people I honestly enjoy, and dressing up for Halloween, or because it's Friday.




Having friends I love and adore who make me laugh, some of whom I've known since I was five years old.





Having a loving family who supports my choices and wants nothing but the best for me.








Training for a half-marathon ... well, that sometimes sucks :)





Learning to take better care of myself and some days I feel like I'm actually making a little progress.  Some days.



Being healthy, financially secure, loved and surrounded by good, decent people and jaw dropping beauty.






Living by water. Because as the great Isak Dinesen wrote, "the cure for everything is salt water, be it sweat, tears or the sea."




oh, and nachos.

Nachos definitely do not suck.

inner child wants cookies!

I get it ... only ... I don't.  I know that sugar, greasy and processed food is bad for me, that it causes joint pain, that it makes me irritable with low energy and oh so cranky the next day ... and yet ... and yet ... I eat the delicious crap anyway.  Why? Because the process of eating it in that moment brings me giddy pleasure and a sense of wild abandon.  And I completely block from my mind the after effects.  All I care about in that moment is the instant gratification of giddy joy.  And I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that it is sucking dry the marrow of my vitality.  And fast.

And yet, a part of me simply does not care. A very stubborn part of me wants my cake and to eat it too. I want the joy that comes from eating not-good-for-you-but-so-damn-tasty food and saying whatever to the uber healthy eating and omitting sugar and processed goodies like chips and fried food and pizza and fun in any food form.

I read about people who've had an ah-ha moment where it just clicked and they made lasting changes. How lovely for them ... I clearly have not had that moment. I get motivated to eat better, feel righteous in my decision and feel great and almost unstoppable and then ... BAM! Devil sugar and pizza and crab rangoons! I go off my plan and holy hamsters it's so difficult to get back on track.  Mainly this is due to the fact that I feel like SHIT after going off and eating like a feral child and then I feel too crappy to eat better which would help me to feel better!  I think they call that a catch 22 or something.

Anyway ... my chiropractor recommended a book called Deep Nutrition - why your jeans genes need traditional food.  Maybe that will help knock some lasting sense into the child in my brain that wants what she wants now and doesn't give a flying rat's ass about the consequences!  Little girl needs some discipline before she ruins me.

In running news, I completed week two of my half marathon training. Eager to see my improvement as the weeks pass.  With fingers crossed, I'll be ready to run the half on July 28th.

A few pictures just because ...

Here's a black bear we saw this weekend -- just chilling and eating some grass:

And a picture of my green-eyed girl ... I know I posted this before but too bad! My blog, I'll repeat if I want to.

that little bear gets around

Hope all you mamas out there had a great weekend and got pampered and stuff. xo